volatile frozen fire.

i'm of the opinion that humans don't appreciate what we have till it's gone. we tend to take things for granted, only to regret when they vanish into the void from whence they came, and start to flog oneself for not having done certain things when the things in particular still existed. perhaps this might be a little too abstract, but after all, i just came home from a friend's parent's funeral. probably the hardest event anyone can deal with is the death of someone that intimately close to you ... apart from a spouse, which unless you have shotgunned, should not exist technically at this age.

from two years in NS, i have come to the sad realisation that a lot of guys take their parents for granted. seldom..i mean, in fact, almost never have i heard any of them say stuff like i'll spend my weekend with my parents, have dinner with them when i book out etc. commonly heard words include i'll meet my friend for dinner, lunch, clubbing, movies, etc. i could always attribute this to the fact that at the age of twenty, one usually does not have such morbid thoughts, nor even consider the possibility of parents passing on at this point in time. thoughts of death and dying arent't usually on most peoples' priority lists, no? however, it's something that's very close to me, because when i dream, that's all i dream of. this is probably one of the reasons i hope for dreamless sleep, else i would dream of close ones leaving me one by one through all sorts of means. i mean, i don't like to wake up with a wet pillow, it's not amusing.

anyway, i digress. parents are the people we take for granted the most, because we assume they'll always be there to catch us when we fall. despite the cruel words(often unintentional), deep down they really care. i used to have the impression that parents were perfect, that they did not make any mistakes, and that they could do no wrong. until i saw my perfect parent crack due to a selfcentred brother. believe me, it's not an easy task to be the eldest in the family, where you wear responsibility like a cloak. problem solver is your middle name, and responsibility to the family is your game. although one must prepare for the inevitable, but when it comes, how will you take it up? it's a different case in the event the pre-death suffering period is prolonged.

one thing i never dared to ask my mum is this: would you be fine if i pull the plug on your life support machine should things reach this stage? i hate the possible repercussions of the decision, because either way i'll be damned. i mean, i rationalise, pulling the plug on the life support will ease her suffering and let her depart in peace to probably a better place (this one is questionable, because there is no scientific proof as to what happens to a person? after death). however, it also begs the question, do you want your mum to pass on? because i've considered that, but it would be selfish to prolong her suffering just because i'm unwilling to let her pass on, no? so many emotional ramifications to deal with. after all, how easy is it to willingly sever that connection for good? once gone, forever missing.

back to regrets. one thing i hope to never happen, will be to blame myself for the things i should have done and should have said. regrets at the point of no return are pointless, and i hate crying over spilt milk.

i'm forced to confront the fact that life's a constant battle. not that i already didn't know, just that i was hoping that battles would be confined to the public sphere, where i would have lesser qualms joining in the chaos and causing chaos as well. perhaps you might think i love to stir up hornets' nest for the sake of doing so, but i know that i will not retaliate until someone fires the first salvo. however, when it comes to battles within the private sphere.. that's when things get messy and ugly and underhanded.

after having dealt with adults' problems for nearly a decade, i'm quite tired of this. frankly, i'm all for the opinion that one should never let emotions rule logic. however, this line of thinking is called, wishful thinking. parents have been fighting, now brother's fighting with mum, friends having boyfriend girlfriend problems, every freaking person has their own problems. sometimes, it's best to fight one's own battles, no?

parents are now having a cold war, which is really unwarranted. and it's all a matter of pride and face! damn that stupid male ego which is often overinflated and unwarranted. it's quite annoying to listen to stupid bluster and swagger which usually can't be substantiated. people who speak as though they are all that are extremely irritating. frankly, i couldn't be bothered to listen about how good you are(or think you are), it's inconsequential to my life. so what if you are that fucking good? solve your own problems then! why look to me to play your middleman in a problem you yourself created and are the most clear about? communication breakdowns are of no concern of mine, and since i don't have such problems, it doesn't affect me at all. in fact, for doing what you have for the duration you've been married, i'm quite ashamed to even acknowledge you as a father.

i was talking to my mum just now. and she said something to the tune of. i have no life because i devoted my life to work and family. unlike your father. i mean, i've been listening to both of them until i decided that i should not attempt to get the both to reconcile. i now ignore dad for the barbs he's thrown my way. i mean. not going for PTMs is fine, not going to my graduation is fine, and especially, not going for my enlistment is fine too. i don't want to listen to your excuses (reasons), i'd rather not know. given your temperament for verbal diarrhoea, it's best you keep your thoughts and words to yourself. i will NOT be anyone's political pawn, for the simple reason that i see no point in siding with anyone. like i've told them, i only side with reason and logic. so, using emotional blackmail and emotional guilt arguments on me don't work anymore. in fact, they turn me off and disgust me. the fact that you can't use hard fact and logic to convince me proves that you want to manipulate me by playing on the fact that i'm your biological son. like mum says, i won't ask you to side me, but i ask that you consider all that we've both done. and i repeat, i don't think you're worth my time and attention at all.

on the paternal side, i have nothing to say. there's so much dirty linen, i think it'll take like 20 tonnes of mega industrial strength dynamo to actually wash it clean. it's so messy, and complicated, and silly. makes me wonder whether i'll be like that when i'm 50.

gahh.

it's been freaking forever ever since i last posted anything here. well, in my defense, i must say i've been busy, but it's just an excuse for not having the time to sort out my thoughts. anyway. back to topic.

2 years..or rather, one year and ten months has flown by ever since my induction into the world of emeralds. not a sparkly world, but a green one. pretty much similar to that of the emerald city in Oz, however not as clean nor as extravagant. through this period, i've have had the most positive and the most negative experiences as well.

kelvin asked me why i was so emotionless considering that i would take back my pink thing and reclaim my freedom as a member of the public, however, to me, ORD doesn't symbolise a resurrection. it's just a transition, another phase to endure, one more separation from a group of people. of the phase 天下无不散之筵席， i believe it describes life pretty well. the army hasn't been as traumatizing an experience for me, simply because i've had quite a lucky life in it. also i believe i am quite an adaptable person, so the sudden loss of freedom wasn't as in my face as it was for some people. it's a chance to be independant and to survive on your own. so come to think of it, it's one of the experiences whereby you look back with fond memories but NEVER want to go through again.

setting off fireworks is probably the last thing i'll do. it's not worth wasting magnesium on such a trivial event. as for the numbers 2 and 3, i believe it's a number worth remembering. for the horrible things which have happened i.e. mas selamat escaping (that asshole), there are the things worth remembering and treasuring. now that i look back on it, it was quite a confused evening i had on the eve of ORD. how does one manage to separate oneself from an entity one has given much effort and energy to? you leave a part of yourself in every place you've gone to, an imprint, regardless of how insignificant the mark. i'm leaving a bit of myself in 23, as i begin another chapter of this crazy life so far. =)

i'm thankful for the people that i've known, and the places i've went, and the experiences that i've had. it's changed me as a person, whether for better or worse, i'll let the people around me decide. and i've had my fair share of skirmishes. i'm unapologetic for that, i still don't think it's wrong for me to have done what i have. so if you're reading this, and you still feel that your anger is justified, i'm telling you straight to your face, FUCK YOU. you don't deserve any apology whatsoever.

it's been a long and winding journey, and i'm glad it's reached it's conclusion. now to wait for things to happen again. oh. and i am eternally grateful to all my friends who have listen to me moan whine and bitch about the army. i really appreciate it. so. i conclude this chapter like this.maybe i'll add on, but i don't think i will. some things are best left unwritten.

exhausted.

energy's been running on low for a very long time. lots of duties (what's new), and minimal reward (what's new too).

india's upcoming.

i don't even know how i'm going to work with my colleagues. it's a big turn-off to work with people who don't put in effort despite the large amount of rubbish they have to do. same principle. it's not about how much work you do, it's about the amount of effort you want to put in. i don't really care if you have so much admin work to do, i'm also deluged constantly by mountains of paper. but at least make the effort to spend a quick 10 minutes looking through the files i send you before approving, then realising that it's all wrong and i have to redo it. please, my time is precious. i'm receiving a lot of nonsense and crap from other departments, and you know it. so damnit, check before sending.

and well...if army makes you a man, then i wouldn't rather not be one childish adult.

recently, i've realised there are so many things i cannot comprehend nor understand. (yes, i've finally realised that there is no bleeding point in compartmentalising the world into cute little packages) frankly, it's quite a disturbing revelation because it opens the possibilities which previously didn't seem vaguely possible at all, especially when it comes to human behaviour and interaction. seriously, it is very difficult to read people who are vastly different from you. as far as i know, i can read peoples' emotions to a relatively accurate degree, but ask me to fathom motives out and i die immediately. =(

on a less weird note though, life's starting to turn a tad more nasty than usual. dealing with knife wielding superiors with honey coated tongues and saccharine sweet words is a very tricky and dangerous task.

sometimes, it's just so sick to walk in and out of a concentration-camp-esque establishment week in and week out. even now, i'm wondering about how i manage to keep pressing on even though things are on a very very negative note. it's quite despairing when you think about it this way. well. i guess i can always lose myself in delusions of branded goods next time when i become rich. that sounded so bimbo, but really, it's the only idea i have in my head whenever i get nonsense from the higherups, the drive and the desire to beat them in the outside world. my vengeful personality usually reigns supreme, and hence the motivational force to vanquish those who have impugned my right to be myself. after all, you can make my life hell for 2 years. but i can make yours hell for a longer period. so do unto others what you want others to do unto you. deep grudges are the most scary things because of the intensity and the dark energy of it. they corrupt, warp and twist one into a being completely unrecognisable from the original. and such people may do anything and everything when in the thrall of a very deep grudge.

sigh. i want to break free and fly.

occasionally, a single thought crosses my mind: what would my silent hill look like? would it be filled with the dread creatures of the past silent hill games and the movie? or would it be filled with even more vile creatures? anyway, enough rubbish. although i do think that if there ever was an otherworldly dimension where all your fears, fury and anger were given life, mine would look like a fusion between the core of the world and the frozen poles of the earth. i would like to think that once the hot, molten fury of anger cools, what remains is chilled, frosty crystals of vengeance and revenge. quite a romantic way to put it, nonetheless, but to me, the word vengeance blows more cold than hot to me.

anyway, 9 more months and i can spread my wings and fly. it's pure torture having your wings pinioned by bird catchers who think they reign supreme. the worst kind of bird catchers are the kinds who pretend to be oh-so-nice and saccharine sweet to you, but behind your back they give you a cold,hard sucker punch to the kidneys or a stilleto through the hard muscles of your back.

perhaps what's lacking right now for me is that frozen demeanour. i have to find a way to bind my energy and temper and let it channel in some other direction rather than getting myself so pissed and so irritated at such brainless bird catchers. well, perhaps it's easier for me to say than to do it, but i need a focus and a direction right now. perhaps it is for the greater good to focus on a goal and smash my way to it, just like what i did in JC.

on a more personal note, i would like to say that i'm amazed at how the class has become much closer to each other out of jc. we still have the occasional meet ups, the crazy jokes, and the funny moments we never really had in jc (unless jems was orchestrating it, but nevermind, that's a different story). astonishing what age does to you, i guess.

why does everything scandalous and gossipy happen whenever i'm on off? maybe i should take more offs to enjoy more scandals =X

anyway, that was a pretty random comment. what a week it's been. bloody tiring and very interesting. one thing i've always been wondering, is it so compulsory to actually delineate the boundaries between commanders and normal human beings? like jeremy said, having a special queue and better bunks is an officer's privilege, not an entitlement. (yes, i know that half the whole world thinks otherwise, but really, who gives a flying bosh about their narrowminded and commander-centric opinions? not me for sure.)The officer has a choice to pick where he wants to sleep; he can decide to queue in the normal queue; and he can obviously choose to sit with normal human beings instead of sitting alone at the commanders' tables. is it really that big an issue should an officer decide to sleep with men? does it demean the officer? does it show that he is no better than a mere man? personally, i wouldn't be bothered to discuss this trivial and minute issue, because the discussion of such a subject is really ridiculous. it's tantamount to intruding on the rights of an individual to make an informed decision on his own. however, some people obviously love to stir up hornet nests wherever they wander, and for no good reason. personally, i applaud the officer for taking the effort to break the aloof barrier that is ever present between Those Of The Bar and That Of Normal Human Beings. in a unit where everyone plays with whatever pathetic lame rank they have just to get things done, it is literally a breath of fresh air to have such an individual who does not put on airs on himself such that he literally levitates on hot air whenever he talks to Those Who Are Ranked Lower Than Him. i don't think it is wrong to want to share a room with men; in fact i think it's a commendable effort in trying to draw a fragmented battalion together such that there will be some semblance of battalion spirit (which is currently nonexistent). others would deride him for not moving within his ilk with the grace and deportment expected of them, because they would not so-called stoop to such a level (they aren't worth any respect, so screw them). frankly, before i move on to a less silly subject, i hate it when commanders try to draw a fine line between you and us. we are, after all, still human beings who can feel and think and breathe. i know as much as you do, granted that you have more experience. but experience can be gained, hence you aren't that much advantaged as you think you are. if you still think you are superior to us, remember this: that commanders are commanders only if they have men. so, in a very coarse manner of speech, fuck you if you think that respect is given and not earned. i don't owe you anything, but you owe me everything because without me, you wouldn't be able to step on that pedestal titled commander.

finally though, another 10 more months before i leave this hell. i'm very tired of dealing and facing stupid idiots already. frankly, i'm very disgusted with some people, and it doesn't help that they are ranked higher than i am, so i'm obliged to customarily suck it up. after all, what can a pathetic man say or do to help himself? nothing, because rank = power = corruption. although i have met very nice lieutenants, captains, majors, etc.

~*~*~

how ironic that adrian tan's the teenage workbook and susanna gregory's the mark of a murderer should have similar bittersweet endings. in the teenage workbook, miss boon breaks up with captain hari, but in the mark of a murderer, matilde leaves cambridge for norfolk on the day dr bartholomew decides to propose to her. either way, venus initiated the breakup from mars. i've always liked bittersweet endings ranging from mildly bitter to terribly bitter. chin said that such endings often dredge up the most negative feelings ranging from sympathy to pity. however, i love the feel of powerful emotions other than anger, which i feel on a daily basis, and to which i have reached a stage where it repulses me every time i lose my temper. it feels so relaxing to be able to get swept away on a tide of emotions rather than rein them in and wait for the wrong moment to let them out.

P.S. is driving a taxi such a terrible ordeal? i'm quite tired about listening to how tired people are when they drive a bloody taxi. they can control their own schedule, not work in deadlines. so what's there to be stressed about? just drive the passenger to his destination, collect money, and then go scour the streets for passengers! it's such a basic job, and the only mental strain anyone gets from such an occupation is the memory required of singapore's roads! and besides, the most pertinent point should be that if you are dead tired when you return in the middle of the night, you wouldn't even have the energy to keep awake and watch TV further right? and sleep until the middle of the next day, like a swine. how extremely.. i can think of no word strong enough to describe how i feel.

working with a person and working for a person are two entirely different things altogether. the dynamics of the working environments are completely different from each other. this is particularly obvious in an environment where everything is structured. some people adopt split personalities, pandering to the higher ups while being downright nasty to their underlings. rank may be everything, but respect is universal. okay, to make that sound a little less jacintha-ish, if one does tasks based on fear of punishment, the standard of work will not be comparable to that if one truly enjoys working for the person.

sometimes, i find myself wondering whether going the extra mile is worth it. it just seems to bring me more grief because i get more work. it's not that i don't want to do it, i just think it's so ridiculous to pile someone with so much extra work just because the person does things fast. kj and edward were right, the more slowly you do, the less you get to do. and the last thing i want to do is attract the attention of the wrong people.

oh well.

singapore is a soulless place. cosmopolitan, bustling, vibrant, but soulless. behind the glass facades of the steel skyscrapers towering in shenton way, behind the supposedly comforting neat rows of HDB flats, lie nothing. there's no feeling of history, of times gone by. it's very unnerving because there isn't any rustic charm anywhere in singapore, which could speak of ages past.

anyway, i was walking past a block of HDB flats to be annexed because of the enbloc scheme, and i couldn't help but be sad at its fate. after all, it's been such a familiar block to me because 1) it has the zhi char stall i always buy zhi char from when i'm hungry 2) there's the cheap and affordable econ minimart there. somehow, i've always liked walking past old HDB blocks. call me perverted, weird, whatever you like, but the atmosphere is so different compared to the new blocks which were erected in the recent years. there's this sense of wistfulness, and the lonely feeling whenever i walk past them. it's as though they have been left behind in the sands of time, and are waiting for the authorities to notice them and give them a burial. after all, hhaving been live d in for such a long time by various occupants, there is bound to be an imprint of the tenants' personalities, lending the place a flavour which cannot be easily erased. unlike the new blocks which seem rather impersonal and a tad too formal for my liking.

perhaps it's true that a part of a person dies whenever something he was once attached to is destroyed, or has gone. it's not the same anymore. the memories stored are unknowingly erased. there is no reason to attach anymore sentiment to that particular place, because there is nothing familiar to anchor any emotions or feelings to it. which brings me back to the point that singapore is a soulless place. there simply isn't any room in singapore for the old. every one's rushing towards new things; new clothes, cars, houses, etc. what happens to the old? obviously, they get vanquished. as simple as that.

what a random train of thought though. i mean, how can buildings, inanimate things, adopt a living personality?

dear myself,

can i ask you why you are so stupid? knowing too much hurts even more than not knowing anything. yet you choose to tread the path of wisdom, conscious that you are such a bloody sensitive person who bleeds very easily. don't you know that there's only so much you can bleed before everything starts falling apart? and don't you know that barbs, darts, stings and gashes do more damage to you than to other people?

knowledge is necessary, but it doesn't benefit you to know too much about things which you SHOULD NOT know.

finally, please stop thinking too much and reading into others' motives. sometimes, pure intentions really are pure intentions. stop trying to read vile reasons into purely gracious actions.

signed,

ivan.